


Guiltless

by kipobepo



Series: Would You Mind Staying? [1]
Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode: s01e15 Understanding Willow, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:02:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29358429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kipobepo/pseuds/kipobepo
Summary: Willow spends some time alone with her emotions.
Relationships: Amity Blight/Willow Park
Series: Would You Mind Staying? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2165673
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	Guiltless

Willow leaned back against her bedframe, hitting her head against the board repeatedly. She’d gotten past the point of caring about a headache that might pop up- her thoughts were already a mess and she couldn’t seem to focus on anything. Besides, if she couldn’t get rid of the throbbing in her chest, maybe she could lure it up to her head. That, at least, was something she understood.

She wasn’t used to the quiet. It made even her headache seem more lonely.

Usually, at least she’d have Ami there to talk to.

No, she reminded herself. It’s Amity.

She wiped her tears off her face and laid back on her bed, and allowed her burning eyes to fall shut.

She went to reach for her favorite stuffed animal- one that Amity said was from her favorite book- and then let her hand fall. It didn’t help any when she considered who bought it for her.

She let out a soft sob and curled up on her bed, wishing she could just disappear.

Her mind began to replay the scene.

A rush of excitement as Amity quickly pulled her down a series of winding hallways.

A crash whenever she was pulled into the room, the door quickly slammed shut behind them.

Then, the words that she couldn’t forget.

The tears that followed, despite how hard she willed them not to.

And the loss of her best friend. For good.

The next few days, Amity made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with Willow. Ever since that pitiful party, she hadn’t said a word to her, or even made eye contact. Any time Willow did attempt to talk to Ami, she would just tense up before walking away.

It hurt Willow more than she would care to admit- and, honestly, more than she could comprehend.

And for some odd reason, she couldn’t bring herself to blame Amity.

She fought it over with her mind more often than not. She knew, logically, that Amity was the one to blame. She’d been the one to kick Willow out that day, the one to tell her she was weak, the one to break her heart. Amity was the cause of the pain in her chest and the burning in her eyes.

And maybe Amity didn’t care.

But she didn’t want to believe that, she didn’t want to be angry.

Still, there were a few times when her mind couldn’t help but wander.

She wondered what had made her best friend leave so suddenly, why Amity just seemed to care so much out of nowhere how good Willow could do the spells. She wondered why she wasn’t born more powerful.

But any time the questions crossed her mind, they were just wishes.

Whenever she began to think about telling Amity how she felt, or thought about asking for an explanation, it didn’t help to soothe her thoughts like she thought it might. It just made her frustrated: frustrated at Amity, for leaving with no explanation; frustrated at herself for caring what Amity had to say; frustrated at the world for making her as weak as a half-witch.

She also felt scared, about how Ami might react. It might hurt her.

Willow wished her brain would stop trying to protect her.

So instead of asking or thinking, she went off of what she knew- Amity stopped talking to her because she couldn’t get the spells right. Because she was weak.

So maybe, just maybe, if she got strong enough… she could have her friend back.

It was a thin veil of hope, but she latched onto it. Even if she had her doubts that it would work, even if she didn’t believe Amity would come back… It was something.

So she’d spent the next few months in a routine of endless practice.

She did everything she could to better her magic and be one of the perfect show-offs that Amity hung out with now.

It didn’t work.

Her hours hardly made a dent in her magical ability, and confidence wasn’t something she was good at faking.

So she cried in between her practices.

Willow wasn’t completely sure why she still tried so hard-- though, if she thought about that too hard, she knew what conclusion she’d come to, so she just avoided it.

Sometimes she also wondered why she carried Amity’s burden in all of this.

Amity seemed to walk around, weightless, above it all. Willow knew she could drag her down a few levels if she told her what she’d done. If she really let Amity see the anger that Willow should be feeling.

She scolded herself for thinking that way, knowing how upset Amity might be, that she might think Willow resented her.

She scolded herself a second time for caring.

She took in a deep breath, folding her arms over her chest.

She knew somewhat, at least, why she kept protecting Amity from taking the blame. Why she let her continue living on as little miss perfect while Willow struggled to stay afloat. It made her feel almost sick, knowing that she still cared about Amity so deeply, even when she’d been so blatantly discarded. Even though she knew Amity wouldn’t care about her the same way ever again.

It brought her a bitter comfort, knowing that Amity just got to move on.

She was glad Amity wasn’t upset or sad. But maybe she should be.

Maybe she deserved it.

The next time Willow had seen Amity in the hallway at school, she was with her new group of friends.

She talked loudly about how she was going to be the next leader of the Emperor’s Coven, and she held her head so high that Willow believed her. The instinct to make a move, bring Amity down to her level fought its way up. It would be so satisfying to make a comment about how alone she’d be forever, how awful she was for putting that reputation above people who cared about her.

She cried for hours once she got home.

Her mind kept replaying the scene, telling her that maybe she’d been the reason Ami left all along, maybe she should apologize.

She kept silent at school, now.

She reprimanded her mind any time she thought of whispering under her breath about the pain Amity had put her through.

Amity had clearly moved on-- why couldn’t she?

At the very least, she reasoned, it wasn’t fair to act bitter. Amity shouldn’t be dragged down because of her.

So she forced herself to make up a new set of rules, and follow them strictly, in order to avoid getting hurt again. She would keep to herself and not talk much. When she did talk, it would never be anything personal, and it wouldn’t be to the same person two days in a row-- to avoid getting close.

She did break her rules a few months in, having met a new kid named Augustus.

Or, no, he wasn’t new- he had just moved up a few grades.

Willow was on edge at first, knowing that he seemed to be someone who cared a lot about grades, but… Then again, the kid didn’t seem to have any friends either, or a mean bone in his body.

So now she had a new friend.

She convinced herself that this could be just the same, and she didn’t need Ami anymore.

She didn’t care. She was just being overdramatic.

There was a part of her that almost believed that. She couldn’t be mad at Amity even if she tried to be-- and, well, she had a few times. But maybe that’s just the way Ami was made.

Maybe she just didn’t care about playing with other kids on the playground or hanging out after school, or even having real friends-- Ami had always told her she didn’t like other people anyways. Maybe eventually, she’d leave her new friends behind as well-- and maybe they knew that, and were okay with it, which is why she chose them over Willow.

She couldn’t be mad at Ami for caring less that she did-- maybe she just got too attached.

She couldn’t be mad, she told herself. And she wasn’t, but it was somehow worse.

Being sad without being angry is not easy.

Everyone had told her that she would be able to be “at peace” whenever she let go of her anger. When she stopped blaming Ami, she could let go of the sadness her name brought. When she stopped blaming herself, she could really be happy.

That didn’t work.

Willow wasn’t happy-- she was exhausted. She was unmotivated.

The thing is, being mad is the easy way out of things. If you’re mad at someone, you have someone to blame your problems on. You have a way to take it out. You have a way to convince yourself that nothing like that will happen again, because that person is out of your life now.

Being mad is a lot easier than just being upset.

She tried desperately to keep her energy throughout the next few months. Things seemed pointless, and she was constantly fearing that it would happen again, that someone else she loved would leave her.

She did her best to keep her head up, but in the end? Someone had to carry the burden.

This situation was someone’s fault-- someone who’d been acting perfectly guiltless for the entire last year.

So maybe, Willow could convince herself to be mad. After all, it was the easiest way.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a quick little thing I made based off of my dodie/amillow playlist, hopefully I'll get to the other songs eventually! If I do, these will be posted as a series and are all going to be in the same universe / timeline / whatever but we'll see!


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